Approaching two of my usual clerks on the way to checkout I responded ‘terrible’ when asked how I was and asked them to pick me up. “The same,” was both women’s response but instead of disappointment a jolt hit us both and the smile with volume was turned up, ironic. I’m aware they don’t have this kind of engagement but I always try to befriend people I see weekly and so we’re not strangers, but neighbors.
I’ve brought both ladies food before and have had many joking days. Maybe a month ago at the ABC she was talking to a male co-worker about an out of line woman, as I came closer to listening splash zone and I said, “sounds like she needs to ‘think’.” We started singing together and laughter followed me to the car. But why would a Yankee in the South, male; make an effort to secure a bond with older women that on first assumption that we have nothing in common?
It’s strange I have to admit. I’m definitely over friendly when intoxicated but I haven’t been when we speak. It hit me a moment ago sitting by the window feeling low, “your ‘why’ isn’t strongly enough defined in thought and emotion.” I suppose I always spoke to them because I wanted to see what others did not. Their physical appearance or status was a distraction. And my interruption in well-being forgot to stop living there.
After texting a friend to tell me something inspiring, joyful, good, and understanding of the ‘why’ surfaced and I knew hers was her son but mine was not as clear. To be a mother must be a gift and curse throughout decades but her ‘why’ is always front in center.
The day before I embarked on the Appalachian Trail, I read a book that said, “you have to have your ‘why’ on point because the AT will push and pull you apart.” So I thought why am I not enforcing the same tactics in my day to day in what has become Western Civilization?
Obviously waking up in the mountains following 6x9in. white blazes to Maine is exciting! You’re out of the normal being challenged in a way that hasn’t been thrown done but so is everyday life if one puts themselves in the unknown. And even though I started the journey on the AT alone I never felt that way, the way I feel today.
I’m in unknown territory alone doing my best to smile big and shine bright in the darkness that is ‘busy’. And I am not without empathy for everyone else’s struggles or situations. I’ve worked 3 jobs at once, been homeless, and have cared for family but when I’m around most it just hurts to see them not see what I see, greatness!
Which brings me back to my ‘why’. An easy ‘why’ for me is, raise their vibration but ego sometimes cries for itself and that train can speed like a bullet causing me to swim upstream; not where I want to live. A stronger mantra/impression/vision needs solidifying. But how?
I’m just speaking out loud now to find truth because my ego feels its done plenty! I’ve lived in NC for 6yrs. and have accomplished so much alone and dealing with a significant disease without any family or old school friends to show support, love, and recognition; it feels lonely. Without a pump in strength one forgets the ‘why’. Why get out of bed and create? It hasn’t been received well or impacted as I hoped, but that’s not to say I haven’t chipped away. I feel like Tim Robbins. I need to make emptying in the yard my favorite part of the day.
I’m forgetting time and pressure as the ‘sister’s’ rough me up in the laundry. I shouldn’t discount hope and the tinder that fuels the fire. There’s a mission to this purpose with the support I seek; it’s seeking me through a tunnel of piss and shit. I mean seriously, how many times do you look at man’s shoes?
I’ll remind myself to define the ‘why’ and look with depth through the window to the soul after I check the Jordan’s. Mom taught me how to tie my shoes with the rabbit hole but I learned differently and so the road less traveled asks why. Because I want to go where others haven’t even though it’s harder. To explore the unknown with an excitement of the AT and remembering what I wanted to the experience for, growth.
The beginning finds an end on the Earth but that’s not the ‘why’. The ‘why’ lives outside what can been seen until one brings it to life. A gift one always has at their disposal if they embrace the power they hold. Please remind me of my ‘why’ so I never ask, “why does it matter?”
