Last year I decided on recording my wins, losses, ideas, goals, and general well-being on the white board but then transcribing them. At the time I thought this would help me understand what was really going on with myself. I mean my own handwriting wouldn’t lie but my mind… So the time has come to digest 365 days in the life of me, myself, and I.
I’m going to start with what I can remember and then look back through the journal. Just last week I finished my yoga teacher certification online which was huge because of the falling out I had in-person at 175hrs of 200 in 2022. I finished the park I built next to my home in-order to teach yoga, meditation, resistance training, and feed my students with the turf, a 48-block smoker, and southern pine picnic tables to aid the garden, pavilion, and trail. The castle is coming together. That reminds me of the new heat pump I had installed, no more $3,000 oil bills!
I’ve failed at many MLM tries but never at anything that involved a certification. I justified it to myself saying, “You didn’t go there to be a yoga instructor. You went for help with your meditations and the help was lacking.” But I had put in the work and the recognition was not present. It feels lighter with that behind me and being able to forgive others that I felt had hurt me. That’s a win!
In June I put out my 5th book, Thought Outlines the Vision Emotion Colors It In. All of my work is about personal experience that needed to get out but this was different. From what I remember that title came blaring into my ears when I awoke and I immediately wrote it on the board. I meditated, wrote a chapter, and then did a video on the topic for further exploration. There was no outline or direction that I was seeking, I simply let go and let it write itself. I’m proud of it. And the cover came out just as I envisioned, beautiful!
In October I was finally able to put on a Stu-Art show at the restaurant I work at after failed attempts in Lily Dale, NY due to the fires and my health. By June I had 28 paintings and I wanted to show off the work. My health over the summer from the heat stirring up my MS had me struggling to keep up with the garden and the chores of home, with thoughts of an art show distant. But this impression wouldn’t dissipate and it was reinforced by, “the only way you fail is if it doesn’t happen” so I forged on.
I hadn’t worked in 3 months but after my treatment I reset the date and stuck to it. Was it a success, depends on the view, eye of the beholder. My goal was not on sales, in fact most of the work was not for sale, I just wanted to through a party and to see all the paintings together. Sure all the artists except one canceled and only my close friends attended but it was brave I learned. The other artists were not confident even though I thought their work would be better received then mine.
The art community is way outside my box, I know nothing about it. But I learned so much by engaging the artists on 3rd Fridays in downtown W-S and online. To be honest I had the most fun handing out sliders and wraps with the Stu-Art fliers on 3 different occasions. The joy I brought others with a simple snack was well leveraged. Not one person was weirded out taking food from a stranger, quite the opposite. That reminds me of the quote that came to me for chapter 5 of the book, Opening the Heart. “When you walk with an open heart, you start to realize you’re running,” which I started writing on the tickets of the guests at the restaurant; well received.
When I was rattling off these accomplishments to my buddy I can’t remember if I mentioned maybe the most important win of last year, I’m able to reach complete bliss and levels of love in 15 minutes of meditation that cause smiles that rip my face off followed by joyful tears. The only comparison is when I’ve been on psychedelics and can’t stop smiling. Getting more involved with my 22,000 breaths has opened doors that I didn’t even know I had access to. Letting go in these states has actually made me more in control with acceptance and understanding in the waking state of beta.
Another milestone came to my attention a couple weeks ago, I’ve been freestyling for 3 years routinely with 474 videos. Sure for a lot of that time they were no good and I would spend 4hrs a night performing and editing. Now I let go, it happens, quick 5 min edit, and done, boom! I would text them to my friends for approval and limited views. But I had a track that reached 365 views with no push this year. A confidence has surfaced that doesn’t need to text every song. “Let me Fly or try and shoot me out the sky.”
The range of different styles that comes out is fascinating to me because now I realize I’m just channeling it. In the summer I can remember flowing and looking down on myself from behind and saying, “that guy is going. Wait that’s me!” Before I would think about what I wanted to sing about but now I just clear the cache and open up to receive so to speak.
The orbs that have appeared throughout some songs gives visual proof to the unexplained. Sometimes they hover over my head, dance by the garage, or simply dazzle. At times you can write them off to the camera, spiders, or lighting; but even my skeptical friends admit after 3 different videos that they don’t know. It scares most of them but it’s just fear of the unknown. I suppose I’m trying to reveal it all through the paintings, writings, and songs but only if you’re looking.
Although I’m proud of these achievements there are others I am not. I didn’t speak to my sister for most of the year because of unpaid debts and promises unkept. The money, sure I did need it but more hurtful was the brush off of, I’m not that important to you. I realize she feels ashamed but that needs to be acknowledged quickly for peace, no easy task. I told myself it was better to stay away. I wasn’t receiving any benefits of a brother sister bond but pain.
What was different for me this time was I didn’t continue the story of my anger but instead cut communications in the physical but every day in meditation I sent love her way. I know better than anyone of the daily entanglements she finds herself in and she doesn’t need me messing with her. I need to be the big brother and aid her. She says, “we’re all on our own path” and I must do my best to listen and empathize. I just can’t find myself overboard emotionally invested, more balance 2024, you hear me.
Which brings me to all the heartbreak with a woman I thought was the one I had been waiting for my whole life and continued to pursue even though all signs said ‘road closed.’ I’m embarrassed that I let the ego drive when my body, heart, and subconscious mind were screaming the opposite. Being told, “I want to move in” but we hadn’t seen each other in a month wasn’t clear to my waking mind enough to dispel what I thought was The Win.
I was cut off after I friended her girlfriend because I was worried about her and I had no other way to contact her, which I texted 30 minutes later that I had done. “You’ve betrayed me,” hit me through the speaker phone the next day. An easy out as I told her through snail mail, winning her back into friendship, again. Even though I had a dream with us in a castle asking her to be with me with acceptance, only to see the place catch on fire. I grabbed her hand down one of the dueling staircases as flames engulfed the top but in safety she was not at my side. She lipped “I can’t do it,” from the balcony and the fire consumed.
She moved to Myrtle Beach instead and I continued our texts and daily calls. Telling myself she was my pseudo-girlfriend, I couldn’t let her go. I bet when I look through the journal there will be multiply times, she’s cut me off for her bullshit reasoning, basically her defense mechanism. Although I’ve never lost my shit with her, except once (I did send a nasty text with hurtful intention), the pain I’ve put myself through I can acknowledge and I have the power to heal myself. Even though that involves losing the person I shared my days with. Hard trade-off for a man in isolation.
Looking over the journal now the beginning of the year brought many confrontations with demons, especially in lucid dreams. Reading over them I remember so clearly and this helps me confirm my divinity. For at times I was roughed up, I never lose. Why? Because I’ve found it’s impossible unless I allow it. This is the power of the hierarchy. But one must be aware of residue.
Staying on the spiritual plane I came upon a woman named Debbie Solaris on Beyond Belief with George Noory telling the same story of Interstellar Refugees I had received upon completion of painting 12 which was huge for me! A validation in the 3-D to what was beyond it. The amount of contact from the other side this past year has not been lacking. From a friend talking with Jesus to me finally being able to hear the entities in my mind’s eye. I was even dived bomb by hawk, talons scraping my bun on the deck checking the wings on the grill. I was having terrible thoughts of self-harm and it felt like my dad knocking me a good one as it’s 6ft wingspan glided low to the high treetops.
I started catering for my friend Jeff’s family once a week early in the year when I wasn’t working and his bar has led to a couple big catering events. I’ve learned to use the smoker this summer and it rules! Prep time for the meats is under 15 minutes and once I caged temperatures by hand I understood. Being able to handle groups of 30 or more solo has been mastered.
Working at the restaurant I met the VP of the local RE investor group who recommended David, an affordable carpenter to help finish up the box with sand and lay the turf for yoga. A big deal for sure because it was the last nail in the coffin. That reminds me of the one-legged yoga on the stump video, so cool. He also rocked out my hurricane ties thankfully.
I went to Ohio in September to get my paintings back from the NY show, that didn’t happen but while there the stars where quite amazing! The best we’ve seen in Ohio in the summertime that I could recall. I had a fire and painted outside with the pond in the background as the Prince played. The 3×3 was astounding and the patio had streaks of what had passed by.
After treatment in September I was getting back to sound mind and body but before I was really hurting. My best friend, Chucky, showed up unannounced in NC from Ohio. It really meant the world to me to be cared for like that, to have a friend as close as we are, is something to be quite thankful for. Or the time my Uncle-Brother sent me a framed picture of me golfing to let me know he was thinking of me. I suppose gestures big or small impact what can’t be seen enormously.
My time spent at the Food Lion has led to many new understandings. One, how easy it is to engage workers, my neighbors, everyday people, and make a friend. When Kayla, the manager, asked me for a hug it came without hesitation and the ‘I love you’ without thought. Or when I engaged a drunk with racists comments and turned him without pointing a finger at his shortcomings, a hug in a different sense. Learning and accepting that I have unlimited love to give even if it is met with opposition, anger, hate, or sadness, by not reacting as ‘Steven’ but leveraging the hierarchy and going above, beyond is something. Those issues don’t exist there so why give them power here? Only if we choose, I suppose.
A couple quick hitters I just thumbed through, the book did over 1,000 downloads during the free promo which was a personal best. At Jeff’s b-day golf outing I chipped in hole18 from 20 yards out, boom! Everyone remembers the last hole, right. I had a dream with MJ balling on the b-ball court and football field with other stars, so sweet. Shoot, totally forgot to mention all the blog posts. Writing has become fluid. It’s no longer work, that’s for editing.
Thinking about the end of the year for me is usually terrible. Thanksgiving followed by Christmas being spent alone is something that tears me up but this year it was absent. It usually starts with my birthday but this year I informed my buds, made sauce from scratch, and we watched football, threw cornhole, and had conversations of conformity. I could have stayed silent and not cooked but what would that serve? A lesson I still have trouble with is, ask for help. Don’t be proud. Where I’m weak, you’re strong and vice versa.
The flip of the calendar erases our past, a place we want freedom from. It’s funny that we want to live linear, Mon-Fri but that line goes backwards a lot in our daily thoughts. Today in meditation I went beyond that. Projected consciousness past a space and time allowed me to look in on what was coming or what was. I saw myself feeding my students after session and the first thought was, “look at him feed them.” And as I write that I’m flooded with tears and the smile that leaves impression. It’s become a normal part of the day.
The old me would want to persuade you with an argument for the New Year that was ready and willing because why wouldn’t you want this? The software that has been installed for decades can be hacked that way, slowly. My beliefs live in, please participate with me. Everyone is an expert at something, show me. For as much as I talk, I can listen intently. And when an individual shares their Light you can’t help but receive.
During 2024 my resolution will be ‘Keep Going’ you’re right where you’re supposed to be. It’s all a practice. Hold the vision with feeling even when a workout feels like work. Why? It’s building towards something. Mind is the builder. Body the temple. Power inherited. Ghost-rider the pattern is full. Never stopped a Top Gun, not even in the danger zone. Happy New Year!
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