How does one start out with an admittance, they are in fact quite sad? Not an easy task. To concede weakness in the face of their family, friends, peers, and lovers makes one feel even worse about themselves and the situation. What if they asked for help and were denied? Leading to more onslaught of their character and position in society. Or someone’s promise of help was hollow, resulting in finger pointing to alleviate the pain, and supporting the mantra of no one cares? There’s never any time off as the mind yields ten’s of thousands of thoughts during our waking hours but, when I’ve been depressed, my dreams become nightmares; there’s no safe zone.
I wrote a book called Conquering Depression and on the back cover I accepted that I was a fraud. Because I always find days on the calendar that are no bueno. The thoughts race in and logical, law of averages says, “You right.” Feeling is released and the emotions grow deep as the slogan is repeated, there’s no recognition, support, or love. Even when I say, “Fuck that thought” and shoot it with laser beams the force is simply overwhelming.
Talking with my best friend I heard it come off his lips through the speaker, “So, you’ve given up?” When I heard it out loud it really did a number on me, I was busted. It is so easy to give up when you can justify it to yourself all day, every day. Finding myself in isolation takes tremendous strength to get through the daily activities of homeownership as the mind screams for a shut down. Not just my medical issues but the lack of a coherent bond with another, who really understands my position, feeling, thought, and direction; makes one feel abandoned and asks, “Why should I?”
For me, when I’m not productive I feel devalued. If I don’t get to the garden, training, cooking, or creating in song or paint, I look at it as a loss. The other accomplishments mean nothing today and so I ‘warm the bench.’ Even though I’m aware of the importance of ‘off days’ I struggle to get over this hurdle; it must me the capitalist in me, the paperboy who delivered like the US Post Office after school and early weekends. Competing with this programming is no easy task but the more I write about it, think about, and talk about it, it becomes more fluid and recognizable that a course correction is needed before the boat hits the perfect storm.
Last week as I struggled through hard-core medical symptoms of the MS and I wrote the quote on my white board, “It’s always darkest before the dawn.” Even though my mind followed my body I had a small percentage of hope. If I get out of bed and accept my limitations while getting something, just one thing out of the day, that’s a win. When I was very down that wasn’t happening.
This week as I erased and recorded last weeks ‘wins’ I couldn’t decide on a quote. Then one just entered my airspace and I felt obliged, “There’s only one ‘I’ not ‘You’. It hit the heart as black marker squeaked on the board and I understood ‘I’ was to self-absorbed in ‘Steven’. So Steven is having a rough patch, that’s tough, but ‘I am’ is all good. The doe that approached my sliding glass door this morning and locking eyes helped to remind me, we’re all in this together. It’s the separation that I make up that has me living in a state of lack.
Through my experience I salute the fact that sad, angry, and destructive thoughts and feelings need to be acknowledged, seen, felt, and set free. I feel that the darkness craves the light as purpose chases mission. The Libra in me is always seeking balance and the expression of these words helps release what I thought and made to be real. Finding an outlet to plug into creates electricity and current. We hold the power to ride the lightening or be people of the sun. Something we can witness in a thankfulness of ‘I am’.
The war is ongoing, especially if one has found themselves at the edge before, why? Because those connections have strong currents that brings battle fatigue. The more I nourish my mind with something new, unknown, and intriguing, it plays to this folly. Breaking the routine after 35 years old is damn tough but just like on the Appalachian Trail, out of my comfort zone, and forced to adapt, I learned a life hack every day. A new hope is born instantly if we choose to fight.
But wars can be won without ever casting a blow or carrying a big stick. By looking down on things through a hierarchy we can adhere to the fact that it only has the power we give it. Reminding myself of this takes the time to put my awareness on it. But liberty is only a breath away and oxygen is abundant.
